Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People - A Summary

Searching through the shelves, on a hunt for a new adventure, I got my hands laid on the book which previously had infused positivity in my life, altered my behavior and inspired to bring about changes that are appreciated by those surrounded me. A cover so familiar that I can with my eyes closed recall each and every detail, the same smiling face with determined gazes of a man who convinces with fine lineaments, deep creases around brows, wrinkled skin and gray streaked hair that he is in possession of a power that can change his reader’s life forever and the catchy title which no one can ignore makes this book hard to miss. A phenomenal work, a complete guideline on human relations, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is a masterpiece written on a fact which is a prime interest of every human being. How to understand and get along with people, how to win them to your own way of thinking, how to leave good impressions on them, how to call their attention, how to gain their trust, how to earn reputation and more importantly how to make them do your job without tricking, coaxing and taking advantage of them are the main features of this book. These points may seem idealistic and childish to some, but if carried out as instructed are way realistic and practical.

Dale Carnegie has packed so much wisdom in the pages that although written decades ago it still relates to the modern days because the theme of the book is not about a particular organization or relevant for a particular class, it’s a book written for all, there is no limit of time or boundary of space as it encompasses people who irrespective of advancement in technology and growth, maintain similarities throughout ages. The insights and lessons, analogies and anecdotes are appropriately put which aids in comprehending the message more explicitly. The book is proven miraculous in reaping friendships, accomplishing one’s needs and wants, strengthening ties and reshaping one’s perspective of interaction with others and acquiring a peaceful and buoyant ambience; according to testimonials and enormous feedback.

This book is for those who advocate good and virtuous conduct like myself and condemn any selfish, mean course adopted when handling and dealing with masses. I would like to bring into knowledge of those who are interested in pursuing this quest with me that this voyage will worth your time and would be an exciting learning experience, and for those who are not on the same page, I implore them to stop here and gladly wage a bye.

This book is divided into six parts and I will summarize each part in the best way I can.

Part One: Fundamental points to be considered when dealing with people

PRINCIPLE 1: AVOID CRITICISM, CONDEMNATION AND COMPLAINTS

It is a universally acknowledge truth that no one likes criticism be it positive or negative. It is lethal, a substantial source of arousing ill feelings, resentment and may incur an injury that left the one subjected to such exposures of ruthless words, offended to a degree to dislike, even loath and to worst extent inflict the same damage as revenge. When people themselves do something which brings them into the circle of criticism they stubbornly believe in the rightness of their doings and justify their actions with strong opposition and debate.

What makes criticism ineffective is that it puts people on their guard and makes them strive to justify their position. It is easy to complain, condemn and judge other person but it is hard to realize what cause them to take such measures and act in that particular way. We should not impose our ideas, judgments and beliefs on others. Try to analyze the situation from another person’s standpoint, understand why the person acted in that way and what would we do in similar circumstances. Criticism barely produces lasting results as it airs the spark of indignation, hurt people feelings, makes them feel less important and vex them to conduct inappropriately.

Man is more a creature of emotion than logic, when stimulated by criticism tends to nurture prejudice and malice and by praise and regard gets motivated. It is convenient to hold a grudge than to admit and correct the wrong done. Instead of finding faults, filing complaints and condemning others we should see from others viewpoint and search for solutions. Anybody can criticize, condemn and complain, but it takes a man of character to understand, tolerate, ignore and forgive and those who traverse this path raise their reliability and honor in everyone’s eyes. Treat people with greatness and so they may show theirs. If resentment stirs our life tomorrow why not we avoid it today, live and let live should be the order of the day.

PRINCIPLE 2: FEED THE HUNGER OF IMPORTANCE

Among all needs of a man the most unfulfilled one is the desire to be important, the desire to be great. If our forebears did not have the urge for a feeling of importance, civilization would have been impossible. Like other needs, people have different needs of importance and wanted to receive in the way they appreciate. However our feeling of importance determines our character and is the most significant thing about us.

Everyone craves for importance; we can feed what they want with appreciation and enjoy what they do for us in reciprocation. We can make anyone feel special by complimenting their attributes, mentioning slightest changes and praising a job done well. In return the person would be grateful and will be at our service.

When people do not get appreciated for their goodness and failed to acquire rightful attention, they go to extreme levels to demand their rights and usually become criminals, develop depression and go insane. Most people find the feeling of importance in insanity which has been rejected in reality. People should not be taken for granted, a worker should be appreciated and encouraged for services instead of being criticized for mistakes and introduced with motivation and incentives for better performance. A husband or wife should be recognized as a working partner doing good to a family by continuous cooperation and should be regarded high for their efforts.

Research has proven that people better perform under a spell of approval rather in a pressure of criticism. When you compliment someone they feel the importance of being noticed and you yourself earn respect and likeness in return. But the key is to compliment without flattery and insincerity, for shallow and selfish praise is easily detectable. The difference between appreciation and flattery is that former comes from heart and latter from mouth. When you want to praise someone even if you don’t want anything from them do it wholeheartedly. The words you utter would brighten someone’s day and reverberate everywhere in their lives.

PRINCIPLE 3: YOUR WANT IS NOT WHAT THEY WANT

If you want to master this one first omit the word I from your conversation. People are not interested in what you want; it is their own which triggers the urge to entertain a talk. Majority makes mistake with this one. When they want something from another person they put it in selfish terms by saying I want this to be done by this time, without giving forethought that people are only concerned about their wants what they get out of your proposal is their main interest. Let’s analyze an example if you sell your product to someone, you will go nowhere if you tell how great your company is or lauding your product, but by telling how good this product can be to them or what benefits they can drive from it, would make them buy it.

In order to get people do what you want them to do you have to think about what they want and the next thing to examine is how you can make them achieve their want that eventually benefits both the parties. If you want something out of someone do not abruptly put forth the proposition, arouse in them an eager want, convince what good lies in it for them and guide through the way to achieve it. When giving an idea which you wanted to be accepted by others first inject it in their minds and then persuade it’s theirs and see them happily work towards it.

If you place your want without taking into account others wants they will not take it into consideration, but if you put your proposal by luring their interest and talking in terms of what they are getting out of it they will not waste a minute to adopt it as their own. Highlight the profits, benefits and other goods coming out of something and see people doing it for mutual benefits.

Part Two: How to Make Others like You

PRINCIPLE 1: GENUINELY TAKE INTEREST IN THEM

The first and foremost way to make people like you is to be genuinely interested in them. You can make more friends in few months by taking sincere interest in their interests than by entertaining casual friendships over a span of few years. According to a study the most frequently used letter in English Language is the letter “I” and that is because people are mostly concerned with themselves and are in the least interested about what is happening in others life.

When talking to someone you will realize that many a times you are being cut, switched or directed towards the topic of their interest. Everyone wants to talk about themselves and till they think they are well received they will not stop. How it makes you feel when someone seems interested in your ideas or beliefs? It will make you like them more than others who show no interest. People who live their lives without showing much interest in other miss a lot by not gaining information and mostly because of not earning true friendships. A true friend is the one who is genuinely interested in what you say or do, give importance to you, listen to your problems and come up with solutions. One more thing which can be done to strengthen friendship is the remembrance of birthdays, anniversaries and important occasion in others life.

Another thing that would certainly make people divert their attention towards you is to greet them in good spirits, with vigor and enthusiasm. Invite them to share themselves with you. In order to gather more friendships you have to be ready for spending time, consuming your energy and have to be unselfish and thoughtful. 

PRINCIPLE 2: SMILE MAKES GOOD IMPRESSIONS

A smile is a gesture of kindness, a gift to uplift mood, a ray which brightens day and an action that speaks louder than words. If you greet someone with a smile, it makes them feel that you are open to have a good conversation with them and they feel an obligation to return same gesture. Smile is a turner of unpleasant events into pleasant ones, a breaker of walls of reluctance, a foundation for further interactions and a creator of positive ambience in office or at home.

If you don’t smile often cultivate a habit by exercising a forced smile, another way to compel yourself to smile is by reminding yourself of a good joke, memory, song or saying. Happiness is an internal phenomenon, when you are happy internally, happiness naturally appears externally. Smile is a sign that manifest interest and a want to be friends. A smile is a prerequisite for long lasting friendships.

PRINCIPLE 3: CALL PEOPLE WITH THEIR NAMES

Name is the sweetest sound in language for anyone. A person likes his name more than all the other names in the world combined. Being able to call someone with their name is a subtle way of giving them importance while forgetting and misspelling it shows lack of concern and triggers offence. Some people have difficulty memorizing and recalling names which is merely because they don’t take the time or invest necessary concentration to fix and repeat those in their minds. Remembering people names is tantamount to giving importance, which arouse in them the feelings of being liked and adored by you. When we call someone by their first names they unconsciously put more of their attention in what we say.

It is quite visible that people give too much importance to their names that most people name their grand children and their businesses after them. The name is a unique thing associated with a person and a best tool to use for approaching a situation. Regardless of whom you are dealing with, the magic of remembering names make you win them over.

PRINCIPLE 4: A GOOD CONVERSATIONALIST TALKS LESS LISTENS MORE

To be a good conversationalist you don’t need to have good communication skills, all you require is a listening ear and a keen mind. To make others like you, whether you know them for years or just met them is by allowing them to speak more about themselves, show ample interest in their subject, be an attentive listener, and initiate questions related to their talks. They will consider it as one of the highest compliments from you and think of you as a good conversationalist despite of the fact that you said nothing and only listened to what they were saying.

However, any pretence of listening can be noticed and would damage your reliability as a listener and could be misjudged as you are not interested in them, don’t find them interesting or disrespect them. One more thing that should be taken into serious account, people are more interested in their problems than they can ever be in your problems and that of the world. Any deviation from the topic may lose their interest and they may shrink from further conversation.

In order to become a good conversationalist be genuinely interested in others, hold your tongue and open your ears, listen to them with concentration, ask them questions they enjoy answering and so they may feel best in your company and regard you as their good friend.

PRINCIPLE 5: TALK IN TERMS OF OTHERS INTEREST

The road to someone’s heart is the talk of things that person holds close. If you want to attract people’s attention approach them with something which is important or interesting according to them. Find out their interests and indulge them in the conversation which is piquant to their mind and which they love discussing and talking about.   

It feels amazing when a person shares same interests as yours, when there is a lot common and a lot to talk about. Say more about things which please them and they will enjoy talking to you for a very long time. By doing this you within a short period of time can develop good friendships and would become a person, who is inquired after and demanded by everyone.

PRINCIPLE 6: HOW TO MAKE THEM LIKE YOU INSTANTLY

The heading encompasses the feeling of importance in strangers and how it makes them like us. If you compliment a person who is a complete stranger to you about their smile hair, the way they dress or anything you notice which enhances their uniqueness or beautify their personality, they will take no time to like you and it would put them in a great mood for the rest of the day. But your compliment should be sincere you should mean what you say.

The life of so many persons could be changed if they get their due importance. An employee if given importance and esteemed as an asset to the company, will definitely treat all his customers with the same degree of importance for his company’s reputation. The same technique would do wonders when dealing with a spouse or a friend, talk about them and they will listen for hours, feel a sense of importance and admire and respect you for your generosity and tolerance.   

CONTINUED…